The Cooperative Family: 11 Tips to Cultivate Cooperative Children

A very precious thing we parents are always wanting from our children is more cooperation. As soon as they are born we are asking them to cooperate with the breast or bottle to eat. When they are 5 years old we want them to cooperate by getting themselves ready for school. When they are 16 years old we want them to cook their own dinner (or better yet, cook for the entire family one night a week). As parents, we know the importance of “teamwork” but our children are continually learning what family teamwork is all about. Here are 11 tips to cultivate cooperative teamwork with your children.

Make a soul-connection
Making a soul-connection with your child involves pouring your love into their heart. It involves seeing your child for who they are, accepting them fully with all their childish ways, and letting them know you are “there” for them no matter what. As someone once said, “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” Begin each day with a few minutes of one-on-one time. Take time to gaze lovingly into your child’s eyes for 1-2 minutes and ask your child to look into your eyes too. Hold hands or hold your child if possible while telling them how much you love them, how amazing they are, and how important they are. If this is awkward for you or them, don’t give up, stay with it. This action alone will produce abundant cooperation when done on a daily basis.

Give freedom
Your child is subject to following orders all day every day. Let them know you are on their side by giving them a break. Allow your child to be a child. Don’t expect perfection and don’t nag. Give them freedom to move slow, make mistakes, and experiment with expressing emotions, ideas, and experiencing safe natural consequences. Let them make their own choices throughout the day. Say “yes” as much as possible.

Establish a clear agreement
A clear agreement means both you and your child know what to do, how to do it, and what to expect from one another. The most effective agreements are created through parent-and-child cooperation, not dictated by the parent. A child is most likely to cooperate when they understand why they’re being asked to do something and how they can do it successfully. Identify the need or problem and the desired outcome and then brainstorm ideas together. Find a solution that appeals to both you and your child. For example: you need your child to be at the breakfast table at a certain time. Sit with your child and tell them “It’s important that you are dressed with shoes on and sitting at the breakfast table by 7 am so that we can enjoy a happy morning together. What do you think you can do to make that happen?” Once you have an agreement, ask your child to tell you in words what the agreement is, why it’s important, and how they will execute their part.

Set limits
Children will push limits because that is how they learn. Set limits based on what you need. For example, if you need more peace and quiet in the house because you have a headache, ask them for it and set an agreement that they will be silent for the next 30 minutes. If they do not fulfill their part of the agreement, you might decide that your limit is for you to go to your room, or alternatively, you will request that they go to their rooms or outside so you can have the peace and quiet you need. Limits are about taking care of you, not punishing the child. You are free to set whatever limits you need. Just be sure to support your children with understanding, tools, and structure to help them uphold their part of the agreement.

Ask your child to do specific actions
Your child is most likely to cooperate when she knows what is expected of her. Instead of saying “Go get ready for school,” say, “It’s time to get your clothes and shoes on.” Instead of “Where’s your jacket?,” say “Find your jacket and put it on please.” If you want your children to be quiet at the breakfast table to speed the eating process, ask your child for complete silence. And be sure to use good eye contact (within 18-inches) when speaking to your child. Knowing exactly what you want and communicating it clearly is very important.

Support them during the critical learning period
It’s easy to forget that our children are literally growing and learning every day. When we ask for cooperation with a new task, we must take the time to support them during the learning period, and give them every chance to succeed. It may take days, weeks, or months for your child to learn how to manage a specific task or series of tasks successfully. If it takes too long and you are frequently frustrated, reevaluate. You may have introduced a task that they are truly not ready for, a series of tasks that are too complex, or your method of training may be insufficient. Ask them what they need to succeed and look for clues. For example, if your child continuously gets distracted if you leave him alone in his room to get dressed, this is a clue that indicates where specific training or agreement needs to be made.

Be calm and supportive when your child fumbles
Everyone does their best in a peaceful and supportive environment. Do what you must to be calm as your child fumbles to learn new skills. Simply recognizing that they are still learning can help you avoid frustration. Use a calm and supportive voice particularly when your child is frustrated. This is when they need your support the most.

Use courteous and respectful language at all times
Courtesy and respect go a long way to create cooperative spirits. Using courteous and respectful language such as please, thank you, would you please?, and are you willing? will show your children how you want to be treated and can make a world of difference in how your child responds to your requests.

Acknowledge successes
Notice what your child is doing well and acknowledge them for it. Make your acknowledgements “you” statements with all the emphasis on them. You really focused on that. You made it happen – way to go! When you put your mind to something, you know exactly what to do. You handled that job perfectly. You are a great teamplayer. Get in the habit of noticing what your child is doing well and giving your child acknowledgements every day.

Appreciate
Take time every day to appreciate your child. Write a love note and put it on their pillow. Make their favorite dinner. Surprise them with game night or tickling. Let them know it’s your way of appreciating them for being such a wonderful person and teamplayer.

Evaluate
Your child will benefit from learning evaluation skills too. Make time for a family meeting to review family agreements and show your child how to look for what’s working well and what’s not working. Ask your child for their input and listen carefully. Therein are the clues to the best solutions. From there, brainstorm new possibilities that will meet everyone’s needs.

Please send your comments to c.northcut@cox.net.